Out of time.

Maybe it will matter ten years away, maybe it will make you think differently. Maybe you will make better choices because of this, or maybe even you will drown in the narrative of acting like you are full of innocence. Drape yourself in the compliments at 2am so that you can wear them on your shoulder and hope that it re writes a pleasant demeanor on your face. It’s easy to slip away and color by numbers those decisions and figure “oh yeah, well – as long a I come out looking ok that’s all that matters”. Because that is all we really are. Pasting and erasing our impressions over people we don’t even give two shits for. I am so beyond associating myself around this mentality anymore. I am so tired of having to justify your actions and that point of view, when I know it’s diabolically wrong. After hearing you define over and over the explicit behaviors you hated so well, then to see you go and mirror them exactly, finitely and without hesitation – I will never understand how you sleep with that painted on you. That is one expensive mask, and I wish I were that much of a superhero to have one of my own. I’m better with being labelled lost, bitter, angry and unreasonable than wearing the moniker of malfeasance.

One of the worst feelings I have ever felt is being repeatedly chastised for wanting more time.

Clair de Lune

I don’t even know what to put here anymore. I am detaching far from everything. I want to bury myself in the sky. I don’t want to crater during this season. It’s unfamiliar to just not feel. Then absolutely the next day be overwhelmed. You really weren’t ready for this, or really ready for anything. Cover yourself up, barricade yourself in. It honestly feels like a curtain call. The writings I’ve read over the last six weeks, it’s like nothing ever counted. It really was just words, and nothing else. Some people just don’t care, they really don’t. Like how do you even wake up and just be. I don’t understand. And mentally I just take myself somewhere else.