Free Failing.

black ‘over’ red graph

Unfinished. But also finished. Depression casts its strong shadow, you will never see it coming. I spent a long time playing with this, too much time. My experiences are brutally honest, and if that scares you then tough shit. Get over it.

Gut instinct trumps all, remember that.


Run and set fire.

Note 1379
You feel too much, you shut down. You don’t feel enough, you suck in more. Sometimes you wake up and you hope pianos fall on your head.

Note 1388
Be responsible for change, and accept right now that life owes you nothing.

“There are days that must happen to you.” – W. Whitman


Your mouth is moving.

It’s a flood. It’s suffocating. It doesn’t care how much the words weigh. It sits in the corner of your home and it waits until it can drown out the sounds of the humming fan.  It damages layers at a time. It poisons. It steals the air out of the room. I don’t understand the backwards dialogue that spills out in desperation. Save yourself I suppose.

You won’t win that battle. So find your way to surrender. Give it back. Do something. Repair what is left. I don’t lie. I don’t bend conversations to fit any narrative. I’m guilty of being painfully blunt, and I own that.

It’s a paper-thin veil, and it grows wet with your breath. You chew, you swallow, and it’s gone.


“You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.” – Carl Jung

Is that a stain on your shirt? No it’s just you.

Note 1325
I wish I could put my hand in my bowl of life disasters and hold one up in the air and say “hey I’m glad I got to experience this”. As in – ‘what we go through now, molds us into what we become’. I get it. I understand all of that, in theory it’s plausible. It’s just how many nails do you have to pry out of your limbs and face, over and over again to finally feel like your place in life is hanging where it needs to be.

Everyone falls, everyone fails. Perfection is just not how we are built. Inside or out. It’s knowing when your life begins to turn toxic that you have to decide what to distance yourself from, how soon, and how far.

There are a lot of gutless people out there. A lot of weakness and lies waiting to be served. And an even more amount of half-truths that people have to wake up next to every single fucking day. And why, why even fucking do it. Let’s manipulate and coerce so we can ultimately take over the love that we want. If that love deserves to be there, then you will find it there. The moment you demand it, is the moment that it is already gone.

I don’t understand. And I have no sympathy for certain behavior. I don’t expect to place myself around it, or tolerate it ever again.


“Until you’ve lost everything, you’ll never be able to truly love anything.” 



Insert reign here.


Note 1311
The air is thick this month. As usual it’s a flood of everything at once. Like film going in fast forward then slowing down at half speed. It’s the grain along the sides of the frame that remind you again of things that slip like razors underneath your skin. They are just there. I miss the cold beach.

Note 1314
I’m okay with a quiet, dark, arctic rest of the year. I’m tired of the waves. Consistency is king when you are tying the sutures. It’s the keystone of the arch. And we all know that, so let’s just keep our feet in the water. Ok.

Note 1320
Just give me a year of no spinning disasters. And a photo of that. Thanks.

“The thing with broken clocks is you can always tell exactly when they stopped ticking. With people, it isn’t so easy and sometimes you can’t even tell they’re broken.” – Anonymous