39 Days

Note 1398
Maybe when someone wakes up and really sees the value in what was there, it will matter.

Note 1399
Winter, it’s really all I can think about. And yet it petrifies me at the same time. A cardboard box of things that will dump all on the floor at once. My safest place is always there, in the times that made a difference. As you leave your comfort zone, you unravel everything – you walk under branches and over the leaves. And years later it unfolds and reads like a beaten book. I could tell stories all day about very short intimate events. I can go there in my head and smell the air, I can feel the cold in my lungs. I can remember a shirt on my fingertips. And these places just are more real to me nowadays. I’m tired. I’m quiet. And I don’t want to lose the very little I have left.

There is just not enough time, and I really should not be surprised anymore. Why would I think the next one should ever be different.


“Most people have a rope that ties them to someone, and that rope can be short or it can be long. You don’t know how long, though. It’s not your choice.” – Nick Hornby


Good luck at 4am.

I always thought you should love people through the good and through the bad. You stick out the shit days, in waiting for the good ones to come along. We are all flawed, continuously. It’s a penetrating reality to swallow, but the sooner you absorb that detail, the better. I guess when the struggle becomes more abundant than the reward, people cave in. They surrender. “The Retreat,  and then leave” is the most consistent behavior that I have ever experienced from people I have chosen to share life with. In fact I generally smell it weeks before it arrives.

I’m too old for this.

And I thoroughly deserve better.



Note 1397
Never allow what you feel to be devalued by another someone. Everyone’s scales of importance are different. Values among us breach our heads and our hearts on all kinds of levels. In all of the variance not one single person has the right to make you feel as if your values in any relationship are not important. In fact, because it wrecks you, it’s ultimately important. Because it makes you stay awake at 4 am in a dark room, it’s fucking important. Because it will silence you for days on days fucking end, it’s fucking important. When someone challenges that, then they mislead themselves to foul. And if you think you have over stepped your emotional bounds by infringing on that, well you are crushingly wrong. Feel horrible as they swim on the defensive? You’re wrong. Painted insignificant? You’re wrong.

You and only you own what you feel, and no one person can change that. Not one voice on the table has the right to convince you how those instances “should have groomed you”. All of those perceptions reside there for reasons. These are reasons that your own intuition has cultivated. And you should use that as the reference volume for future disasters.

Those who stand in the damage instead of packing it up behind them will never be aware of the help that they, or you need and deserve – observe, pay close attention to what they keep. They will never be that curvature that should smooth the rough areas of what paralyzes you awake at night. It’s destructive, it’s failure, it’s a departing airport boarding call over head. Let that mother fucking plane go. There are plenty more on the way.

Do not waste your own life in that stand still.


Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don’t last your whole life. – Love in the Time of Cholera



Loud enough, is never loud enough. 

I look back over the seven years of writing here, feeling through the thundering and the hailstorms, and what they leave behind. The absolute fingerprints that tattoo themselves to the insides of your ribs because that’s where we cover things up the easiest. I can’t explain enough detail of how incising the fast forwarding and rewinding that goes on within any sessions of  panic, anxiety and disorder. I could cut and paste pretty much any number of things here and I still feel that it is inadequate in conveying what exactly is going on – when in essence, inside you feel like you are drowning.

One day it will just eventually shut down. You think you’ve heard it all well guess what, you will get a surprise as long as you keep letting things in that have no business being ‘in’. Changing people is a joke, don’t even mess with that one. We’re programmed and patterned with so many things that as long as we ‘keep getting by’ – we’ll keep doing the same things, continue following the same ‘click bait’, regurgitating the same lines and writing the same rules down over and over until you are blue in the chest. It’s taxing, malignant and the bark you choke on will ‘be your own’.

I refuse to blame anyone. We are responsible for what we make, what we cultivate and what ‘we choose’ to grow. No one will ever say “this is yours to keep, this will make you be the best person you can be”. You eat and swallow what you want, you sleep with the same things at night that you wake up with. You attract what you think you want – when we never know, or even care to grab hold of what we need.

Years of seeing this in closed circles, either through it or beside it, or past it – hearing it, it just dissolves me from the inside.

Caring enough, is never caring enough.

Loud enough, is never loud enough.


“I always wanted to be the exception to my own rules, I told myself that if I screamed loud enough – it would be heard. That if I raged long enough, it would make a difference. I guess yelling down an empty hall that yields only to a voided room, it really doesn’t matter what you are saying, or how you are saying it – it is destined to fail.”

Water Those Seeds With Alcohol // 2011

Keep pressing on the frailty.

Over the years you become slightly more resilient to damage. You learn to eat the words just to get them out from in front of you. You stick rocks down your throat to keep from regurgitating conversations over and over. You stuff thorns in your ears so that in some possible way you can distract the deafening noise of things broadcasting to you. It consumes every bit of energy that you manifest, devouring every small piece of sense you can piece together until you finally break and fall into the constrictions of being paralyzed.

It’s the dark hole behind a broken door that you don’t even care to find a way back through. It clings on to you so that even when you are out doing your daily numbered bullshit, it constantly reminds you that the vise across your skull will ultimately finish you off. Now, or later.

Not good with today. And it’s not even that much math in it. Which just adds more to the fastening of the wires.

The day fades. And that is just the shittiness that it is.

“You really touch me whenever you feel like it, don’t you?”

“No. I touch you a fraction of when I feel like it.”

– Last Night (2010)