Slitterbomb

Note 1397
Never allow what you feel to be devalued by another someone. Everyone’s scales of importance are different. Values among us breach our heads and our hearts on all kinds of levels. In all of the variance not one single person has the right to make you feel as if your values in any relationship are not important. In fact, because it wrecks you, it’s ultimately important. Because it makes you stay awake at 4 am in a dark room, it’s fucking important. Because it will silence you for days on days fucking end, it’s fucking important. When someone challenges that, then they mislead themselves to foul. And if you think you have over stepped your emotional bounds by infringing on that, well you are crushingly wrong. Feel horrible as they swim on the defensive? You’re wrong. Painted insignificant? You’re wrong.

You and only you own what you feel, and no one person can change that. Not one voice on the table has the right to convince you how those instances “should have groomed you”. All of those perceptions reside there for reasons. These are reasons that your own intuition has cultivated. And you should use that as the reference volume for future disasters.

Those who stand in the damage instead of packing it up behind them will never be aware of the help that they, or you need and deserve – observe, pay close attention to what they keep. They will never be that curvature that should smooth the rough areas of what paralyzes you awake at night. It’s destructive, it’s failure, it’s a departing airport boarding call over head. Let that mother fucking plane go. There are plenty more on the way.

Do not waste your own life in that stand still.

 

Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don’t last your whole life. – Love in the Time of Cholera

 

 

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Loud enough, is never loud enough. 

I look back over the seven years of writing here, feeling through the thundering and the hailstorms, and what they leave behind. The absolute fingerprints that tattoo themselves to the insides of your ribs because that’s where we cover things up the easiest. I can’t explain enough detail of how incising the fast forwarding and rewinding that goes on within any sessions of  panic, anxiety and disorder. I could cut and paste pretty much any number of things here and I still feel that it is inadequate in conveying what exactly is going on – when in essence, inside you feel like you are drowning.

One day it will just eventually shut down. You think you’ve heard it all well guess what, you will get a surprise as long as you keep letting things in that have no business being ‘in’. Changing people is a joke, don’t even mess with that one. We’re programmed and patterned with so many things that as long as we ‘keep getting by’ – we’ll keep doing the same things, continue following the same ‘click bait’, regurgitating the same lines and writing the same rules down over and over until you are blue in the chest. It’s taxing, malignant and the bark you choke on will ‘be your own’.

I refuse to blame anyone. We are responsible for what we make, what we cultivate and what ‘we choose’ to grow. No one will ever say “this is yours to keep, this will make you be the best person you can be”. You eat and swallow what you want, you sleep with the same things at night that you wake up with. You attract what you think you want – when we never know, or even care to grab hold of what we need.

Years of seeing this in closed circles, either through it or beside it, or past it – hearing it, it just dissolves me from the inside.

Caring enough, is never caring enough.

Loud enough, is never loud enough.

 

“I always wanted to be the exception to my own rules, I told myself that if I screamed loud enough – it would be heard. That if I raged long enough, it would make a difference. I guess yelling down an empty hall that yields only to a voided room, it really doesn’t matter what you are saying, or how you are saying it – it is destined to fail.”

Water Those Seeds With Alcohol // 2011

Keep pressing on the frailty.

Over the years you become slightly more resilient to damage. You learn to eat the words just to get them out from in front of you. You stick rocks down your throat to keep from regurgitating conversations over and over. You stuff thorns in your ears so that in some possible way you can distract the deafening noise of things broadcasting to you. It consumes every bit of energy that you manifest, devouring every small piece of sense you can piece together until you finally break and fall into the constrictions of being paralyzed.

It’s the dark hole behind a broken door that you don’t even care to find a way back through. It clings on to you so that even when you are out doing your daily numbered bullshit, it constantly reminds you that the vise across your skull will ultimately finish you off. Now, or later.

Not good with today. And it’s not even that much math in it. Which just adds more to the fastening of the wires.

The day fades. And that is just the shittiness that it is.

“You really touch me whenever you feel like it, don’t you?”

“No. I touch you a fraction of when I feel like it.”

– Last Night (2010)

Your mouth is moving.

It’s a flood. It’s suffocating. It doesn’t care how much the words weigh. It sits in the corner of your home and it waits until it can drown out the sounds of the humming fan.  It damages layers at a time. It poisons. It steals the air out of the room. I don’t understand the backwards dialogue that spills out in desperation. Save yourself I suppose.

You won’t win that battle. So find your way to surrender. Give it back. Do something. Repair what is left. I don’t lie. I don’t bend conversations to fit any narrative. I’m guilty of being painfully blunt, and I own that.

It’s a paper-thin veil, and it grows wet with your breath. You chew, you swallow, and it’s gone.

 

“You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.” – Carl Jung

Some people are just shit.

Learn to recognize garbage.

A lot of personalities bother me, some more than others – but controlling, obsessive, manipulators are by far at the top of the social trash that I absolutely detest. Just a few notes on the following that inspired the comic above, it’s not in jest or crassness – it’s serious profound emotional abuse. Run from this. Always. 

Note 1366
Oh the “you know how I get when I’m angry” type – passive aggressive / nice one minute and standoffish the next, keeping you guessing and playing on your fears and insecurities. The extremely aggressive and vicious, resorting to personal attacks and criticism (‘you deserve this‘), dogged in pursuit of getting what they want. They bully and threaten, and won’t let up or let go until you dissolve down.

Note 1370
Manipulators prey on sensibilities, emotional sensitivity, and especially the conscientiousness. They know they have a good chance of roping you into a relationship because you are a kind, feeling, caring person, and of course – because you want to help.

They may cater to your goodness and heart at first, often praising you for the wonderful person you are. But over time, praise of these qualities will be minimized because you are being used in the service of someone who really doesn’t care about you. They really just care about what you can do for them (or how you can make them feel).

Note 1375
Manipulative people do not understand boundaries. They are relentless in the pursuit of what they want and have little regard for who gets hurt along the way. They usually have plenty of social media ‘on tap’ to justify their persona so that they can always provide proof (mainly to themselves) of ‘how awesome of a person they are‘.

It’s a consuming of your space – physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. They lack understanding about what personal identity means. Feeding off of someone, while tearing them down is depleting, exhausting, weakening, and demeaning.

Note 1371
Read people by their actions. Remember, what a person says and does are two very different things. Watch closely – what you see is what you get. And if you listen around just a bit, you’ll probably realize that your gut feeling is usually spot on. Note that.

When someone displays threatening, degrading traits alongside piles of forced emotions (even when saying ‘how much they do love you’) – In my experience I have  found it’s hard to uncover any redeeming qualities. No matter how you interpret it, because I fully understand that sometimes the wires run deep, you should easily spend your efforts on better things. No-one is fucking worth that.

A fucking empty room would still deliver much more good to your head than a person like that ever could. Recognize it. 

They prey on your best qualities.