A million ancient bees began to sting our knees.


“Only by being silent, only in the darkness could we still become free for a short while, only in brief periods of distraction that the despair besieging us on every side turned into merely a momentary suspension of the torment.”

–Stanisław Herman Lem, Solaris 1961 // 2011 Translation


The guardrail will take you home. 


“I was beyond fear and despair.  I was further on; no one had ever gone that far. I touched her neck with my lips, then went lower down, to the little hollow between the tendons, that was smooth as the inside of a seashell.” – Stanislaw Lem, Solaris

From strawberries under torture one may extract all sorts of things.


“We didn’t know each other well. I never had the time. Now I see that it doesn’t make any difference. The ones who hurry and the ones who take their time all end up in the same place. Just don’t have any regrets. No regrets.” 

“She was beautiful all right, beautiful in a way that was at once seductive, demonic, and raspberry.”- Stanislaw Lem

I left after that dance.



Note 378
Every day is like pressing reset for a juggling act. You have to keep focused. You have to water down everything that you are feeling so that you can just make it through the day. The constant rewind, fast forward, pause & repeat is like throwing a wrench into a gear. The unexpected jolt, and harsh landing are something that even though the moments are dull – that first landing, that first brash dragging of things over your face at the waking of the day, I just don’t like any of that anymore. Now, it’s becoming too much.

Note 399
And being here again, over and over. The retelling of a story. I sigh. I throw everything away I can physically touch. I’ve torn up every letter, every picture, anything that takes me and plays back things that are gone. I would eat them if  I could. Just ready for the ink wash to just run off of me. So ready for that.

Note 254
It’s like a hole on the back side of your heart. No matter how hard your chest beats at the moment, even when its full of everything positive that the feelings just flow directly forward – in front of you like a beam, they just end up spilling down,  spraying out the back side of that void. It’s just not closed yet. It’s not that time. That process has not run it’s course. The guilt, of opening up finally. I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.


She reached out for the switch and darkness fell. I lay down on the cold bedding and felt the warmth of her breath drawing closer. I put my arm around her.

“Tighter”, she whispered.

Then after a long while: “Kris!”


“I love you.”

I felt like screaming.

Stanisław Lem, Solaris


Finis vitae sed non amoris


“Each of us is aware he’s a material being, subject to the laws of physiology and physics, and that the strength of all our emotions combined cannot counteract those laws. It can only hate them. The eternal belief of lovers and poets in the power of love which is more enduring than death, the finis vitae sed non amoris that has pursued us through the centuries is a lie. But this lie is not ridiculous, it’s simply futile.”
― Stanisław Lem, Solaris

A single world, our own, suffices us.

Solaris Mirrors

“This is another lie. We are only seeking Man. We have no need of other worlds. A single world, our own, suffices us; but we can’t accept it for what it is. We are searching for an ideal image of our own world: we go in quest of a planet, a civilization superior to our own but developed on the basis of a prototype of our primeval past.”
― Stanisław LemSolaris