Strangle me with power cords.

Brutal last 10 or so days of shows. Don’t ever take for granted anyone that performs a shit ton, whatever it is they are doing. Your sleep is wrecked. Your eating is wrecked. Your energy levels are wrecked. Your pocket-book is wrecked. Your social life is wrecked. The having to be ready to play is constant upkeep, full-time maintenance and full time turning off your head. This is by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and pulling this off at 46 is no fucking easy task. Fuck, eat, drink, shit, die & sleep.

“My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.” -Jillian Medoff, Hunger Point.

Advertisements

Deeper still.

“In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge.” – Sidonie Gabrielle

So I have slept 4 and a half hours a night for about the last 13 days. I really start to see how insomnia affects the psyche at around day 9. It’s like you can see the spiderwebbing effects around your peripherals, you kinda begin to care less about the important things – and the trivial things even more so less. What I don’t see is any less effects of anxiety type behavior. So although sleep deprivation can soften the immediate sensitivities, it doesn’t seem to decrease any of the mindful bothers that are very much hard-wired inside of you. I think that in the late afternoons towards the evening you start to get this ‘blanketed feeling’ that is probably the body just kind of slowing down to keep you from blacking out, I’m not really sure – but that is by far one of the more  comforting elements to this disorder.

I have suffered from insomnia for years, off and on. It pretty much revolves around current and even latent events in my head. Moderately good and melancholy, some people can turn them off – I on the other hand tend to press the rewind, fast forward, pause and play, over and over. Until I actually route it somewhere, through some kind of outlet I really never get to press that erase switch. Or at least some sort of dimmer knob if you will. I could see something like that on an old 8 track stereo just lightly labelled ‘rest’ – maybe with a tiny rectangular orange LED behind it. One of those buttons that locks in closer to the panel when you engage it.

I don’t really mind it that much on the large-scale, it is a climb sometimes but actually even on very little rest I don’t feel any deficit in focusing. I still feel very directed, even less distracted than normal during this part of it. The tunneling of my eyesight I kind of enjoy. When you feel that everything around you is somewhat bubble wrapped, things won’t bother you as much, things that barely bother you will dilute and eventually I just white out momentarily anything that actually exists 15 feet beyond my immediate vision.

The bad – well, bright light seems to be the worst. I find myself covering my eyes most of the day. Anything manually dextrous is pretty much off  limits. Some headaches here and there, and maybe some impairment of my spelling and over usages of run on sentences while writing this. Hardly something that can’t be mechanically remedied. Hardly.

Edit: Short term memory and some speech vitiated, I consider this a plus. The less I have to think and speak about things that I cannot control, the better off I am.

I have two acoustic performances coming up in Victoria Texas at the Down Town Bar & Grill – Oct 20 and Nov 3.