Tell me what you see.

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Notes somewhere around (1280-1285)
I look and wonder where your head will be in ten years. Whether you will say “I’m glad I jumped”, or “I wish that I had”. I spend day after day wrecking myself with how things could be, but we know that nothing ever works that way. It’s as if we are both built like asymmetrical cogs that have teeth that sometimes make contact, and other times spin free. And it’s the momentum of that wheel that carries on the spin until we hope they connect again.

I’ve spun a lot in the last few weeks. I have had some warm nights, and days. And I always understand what connection can feel like. I also know well what its absence creates. And you tend to contemplate what the ‘dips’ are telling you. Their bombardment over and over again. Your head devours what the chemical feeds, while it soon becomes the physical that needs.

I am very tired today. In my brain and on my feet. Maybe someone will punch me on the way home. Or tell me they would “like to grow old with me”. Either would make me feel a hell of a lot better.

 

“You know, I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was… something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don’t think you’d feel so alone anymore.” – Samantha, Her

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Don’t bore me, just give me more gray.

“Life is all about change. If it were static, think about how boring it would be. You can’t be afraid of it, and you can’t worry that you’ll mess things up. You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them”. – Elle Hopkins, Impulse

// Photography from my Tumblr: Red All Over  //

Time seamlessly stops.

 

I don’t even rally in the thoughts of storms and flailing nights too much as I have done in the past. I get closer to most things by launching myself through them rather than around or over them. I’d rather feel the intensity of the falling, knowing that the catch is worth ten fold the ringing of the landing.

The heat and flicker on the lips that causes that flutter, it’s very hard to walk away from every time. It’s rush, roars loud as water forcefully does up against a clouded pane. It pins me and pushes me, and I like that. People need that.

Distance is just a digit. I can sit across from someone and fail to notice an insect on their face but then finely feel the flutters of a heart 200 miles away. Intimacy is the fuel that continually revs that connection.

 

“I wanted to freeze time. I wanted to savor that moment, to live in that moment for a week. But I couldn’t stop it, only slow it. And before I knew it, she was gone. After the door closed I felt like the last person on Earth.” – Cashback, 2006

 

Phobos // Deimos

Forever June 2016

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There is a curve along your waist and hip that is probably one of my favorite places to rest my palm. It’s cool and smooth and something I always think about when I wake up.

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The temperature of rain, the surprise when it hits your face. Streaming across ringlets of hair. Wind wrapping around necks and shoulders, I like that smell it leaves. I like the cold and uncomfortable, and being able to find things warm. I miss you. Maybe I say that too much but It’s ok.

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It’s fast. The time between holding on to things as tight as I can, and then waking up to get bagels. The smell of coffee, and clouded jabber in the background and the crinkling of pastry papers. Like wood burning. Familiar but not familiar. I stumbled in my head, I grabbed on to your hand and looked down at worn denim jeans. The air that stops right in the center of a pinhole camera lens photo – that’s the part that matters and that’s where I want to be.

2017 I will let you whisper horrible things, but I’m getting better at wiring those things to street lights as I drive past.

 

“Your problem is that you’re not happy being sad. But that’s what love is, Cosmo. Happy sad.” – Raphina, Sing Street

The Strawberry Moments


Photos by Julia Iris 2005

Ran across this photo archive on my computer from September 2005. This is probably some of the best captured moments of experiences that I’ve had in a very long time. It’s funny how I don’t even remember anyone taking pictures that day, and you can tell that neither one of us even realized that we were being photographed. That’s probably what makes them glow.

This was literally the second time I had met JL in these photos, and I although our two-year experience didn’t quite end up how we both anticipated – I look back to this and I can literally feel the air in that room that evening. The open windows behind us, my one beer bottle on the ledge. All things that were perfectly going into motion.

We are destined to meet people, engage with people, and pick up things that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. And I don’t believe in ‘destiny’, I believe shit just happens. Stars fall and people collide. Our lives move along and pick up fingerprints from relationships, friendships and even brief encounters. And although they slip off the tongue with ease at times, I feel the penetrating impact when I sit and look back at all the encounters that have drifted in and out of my life.

There really is no guarantee that anyone, anywhere, will stay by your side forever – even if they skywrite it one thousand times. Life doesn’t hand out story book endings often. But life sometimes throws you a few strawberry moments. Those times that just stick with you, linger in your head and always make you say “what if”. Or maybe they just make you marvel when you look back at pictures and say “yeah my life feels a little bit better that this person was in it”. Even if it were only a small part of time, in the big picture of happenings.

Some people will never get to find that giddy feeling that launches you to a place very far away. Some people will not get to feel the intensity of when they are together in a room full of people – it feels like there is no one else there. Some will never look back at a lost love and go, wow – looking at it now, it looks like it really was ‘lightning in a bottle’ (and perhaps it was). And even more true some will never get the chance to change, take that huge leap and grab ahold of the things that they want out of their life, finally allowing themselves to be willfully, and fully entangled in it all.

I fall a lot. I crash a lot. I’ve lost more times than I have won. But I am very lucky for a few things that have landed in my lap. Sometimes they tend to claw at my eyes, pull at my face and make me have one too many drinks. But they always continue to rally me deep inside my chest. They make my heart sing a bit louder, and remind me that doors are always in motion, opening and closing.

To feel that mindless wonder of not caring about anything else on the planet for just that one moment. It’s a phenomenal thing.  A thing that has taken from me countless nights sleep time and time again. But still, in all its ebbs and flows, all its wrecks and fires, it still can grip on to the hind side of your mind all the way down your road. And that’s something that I very much understand the worth of.

“The past is just a story we tell ourselves.”
― Spike Jonze, Her