Good luck at 4am.

I always thought you should love people through the good and through the bad. You stick out the shit days, in waiting for the good ones to come along. We are all flawed, continuously. It’s a penetrating reality to swallow, but the sooner you absorb that detail, the better. I guess when the struggle becomes more abundant than the reward, people cave in. They surrender. “The Retreat,  and then leave” is the most consistent behavior that I have ever experienced from people I have chosen to share life with. In fact I generally smell it weeks before it arrives.

I’m too old for this.

And I thoroughly deserve better.


Sleeping with scissors.


Note 1297
Change is vital. Direction is essential. And our desire is the fuel for both of these. If we ever drift from what is healthy to the psyche – you will either find the momentum to parade your sentiments hard enough on through the razor wire, or you will find the barbs that ultimately rip, tear, and bind you back unto the floor.

It’s these restraints at 3am that inevitably tourniquet your limbs until they become blue, and then release briefly – just so that you remember you are still alive.


“Be with someone that requires you to grow, makes you forget your problems, holds your hand, likes to kiss, appreciates art, and adores you.” – Unknown

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.”  – Mandy Hale

Touch this angel in a clutch of snakes.


“When man is happy, the meaning of life and other eternal themes rarely interest him. These questions should be asked at the end of one’s life.” – Andrei Tarkovsky, Solaris 1962 

“I wish I would’ve screamed fuck you more often instead of being considerate of your feelings while you failed to give a damn about mine. So…fuck you, better late than never.” -Should Haves, R.H. Sin

I left after that dance.



Note 378
Every day is like pressing reset for a juggling act. You have to keep focused. You have to water down everything that you are feeling so that you can just make it through the day. The constant rewind, fast forward, pause & repeat is like throwing a wrench into a gear. The unexpected jolt, and harsh landing are something that even though the moments are dull – that first landing, that first brash dragging of things over your face at the waking of the day, I just don’t like any of that anymore. Now, it’s becoming too much.

Note 399
And being here again, over and over. The retelling of a story. I sigh. I throw everything away I can physically touch. I’ve torn up every letter, every picture, anything that takes me and plays back things that are gone. I would eat them if  I could. Just ready for the ink wash to just run off of me. So ready for that.

Note 254
It’s like a hole on the back side of your heart. No matter how hard your chest beats at the moment, even when its full of everything positive that the feelings just flow directly forward – in front of you like a beam, they just end up spilling down,  spraying out the back side of that void. It’s just not closed yet. It’s not that time. That process has not run it’s course. The guilt, of opening up finally. I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.


She reached out for the switch and darkness fell. I lay down on the cold bedding and felt the warmth of her breath drawing closer. I put my arm around her.

“Tighter”, she whispered.

Then after a long while: “Kris!”


“I love you.”

I felt like screaming.

Stanisław Lem, Solaris


Bad Girlfriend Red – Delivering Emotions in Mixed Media

AFE Staple 2013 Poster

And I guess the story is ending for now. Those of you who will understand it, I will yell loudly for. Those of you who don’t, well maybe you will get it better next time. This is my first attempt at putting out a complete mixed media recording along with its literary pieces. I don’t think any part of it stands solely on its own – it takes pieces from each other to fill in all of the spaces between the lines. I know that sometimes I look back and I see everything outlined in a little bit of crazy here and there, but you know that’s ok. It takes all kinds of unsettling things for me on the inside to write about things that seem to follow some crazy on the outside.

All in all, when creating fiction in music, art, or writing – I still have to return to translating the things that I know. It makes no sense to me to write about nothing, but I can write of something derived from other things I have experienced. I can’t say I know what it feels like to plunge an ice pick into someones ear, but I can say I know that sometimes words spoken and unspoken can destroy one another just as much. It just seems easier in my made up world this time, that instead of yelling about things you can never change – creating a character that can react in ways hoping to find her own level of absolution, may broaden ones discretion of understanding. I don’t necessarily agree with some of the graphic actions that this story paints, but I do find it colorful in projecting the parts of what some of all us may have on the inside.

Stitched emotions are rough, some of them linger on for years. Some wash away when we replace them with something else. Some scar up large enough that even though you cover them in new clothes they still find ways to edge through the seams. It’s just like that, I can’t write enough about the fingerprints people leave. And not just in one case, but in several as my story tells.

We are not programmed to control that, we only know that we accept different levels of impressions. Some good and some bad. In this case, Ava’s reactions are not all the same. In the song “Hearing the Fall” she greets one of her encounters with speed and finality. She has little to no regret and remorse for the killing that she carries out. It’s also reflected in the music,  aggressive and direct. She walks away denoting that this was a door that was easy to close. But as in the arrangement of “Sight For Sorrys” her emotions are obtusely inverted. She actually finds a lacquering of sadness that seems to almost preserve the emotions that were good from that relationship, by using his removed eyes to try to see the things that she had done wrong.

It’s all relative, in extreme terms of course. We each probably have acted out scenarios in our head that were less than commendable at times. Sometimes we snap in our own ways, carrying out our own justice in our head that we deemed was necessary. And that’s what she did, and of course a little more. Ava Grace’s terms were the terms of unconditional love that were breached upon. She felt taken, so she chose to take. She felt written over, so she decided to rewrite on. In lieu of again being walked on, she redefines the rules of how she should be the one to walk out.

And usually those rules were echoed by the sounds of heels atop a long hardwood floor. A splinter of thought here and there, some easily removed, some not as much. But none the less her red remains the color that we all bleed. The color that gives us all life, and in this case – that still color that takes it all away.

Copies of the Bad Girlfriend Red package will be available at Staple! Independent Media Expo March 2-3 in Austin Texas, or you can order it directly from my online store here.

STAPLE! Indie Media Expo 2013

STAPLE! 2013

Scott Free / Apples For Eyes + Old Man & Bitter Girl Podcast Crew at Table #0032

I will be exhibiting alongside Old Man & Bitter Girl Podcast March 2-3 at Staple! Independent Media Expo in Austin Texas. For more info on the event click on the poster above and check out the official Staple! website.

This expo is stocked full of indie artists, writers and creators from around Texas and beyond. We always have a great time doing these shows, so if you are in the neighboring area you should definitely check it out.