Art by CVCAMILLE
Every day is like pressing reset for a juggling act. You have to keep focused. You have to water down everything that you are feeling so that you can just make it through the day. The constant rewind, fast forward, pause & repeat is like throwing a wrench into a gear. The unexpected jolt, and harsh landing are something that even though the moments are dull – that first landing, that first brash dragging of things over your face at the waking of the day, I just don’t like any of that anymore. Now, it’s becoming too much.
And being here again, over and over. The retelling of a story. I sigh. I throw everything away I can physically touch. I’ve torn up every letter, every picture, anything that takes me and plays back things that are gone. I would eat them if I could. Just ready for the ink wash to just run off of me. So ready for that.
It’s like a hole on the back side of your heart. No matter how hard your chest beats at the moment, even when its full of everything positive that the feelings just flow directly forward – in front of you like a beam, they just end up spilling down, spraying out the back side of that void. It’s just not closed yet. It’s not that time. That process has not run it’s course. The guilt, of opening up finally. I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.
She reached out for the switch and darkness fell. I lay down on the cold bedding and felt the warmth of her breath drawing closer. I put my arm around her.
“Tighter”, she whispered.
Then after a long while: “Kris!”
“I love you.”
I felt like screaming.
–Stanisław Lem, Solaris