Session 2 of 3 – excerpt from chapter book draft/screenplay Bad Girlfriend Red
Dr. Wynn always looked at me as if I were crazy. He’s been close to my family and siblings for a decade or so and always seemed to pick on the fact that I acted distant in most social situations. Distant or quiet, or whatever – who really can tell the difference on the outside, and who is the best at lying about it on the inside. I began hearing his counsel two years ago for bouts with agoraphobia and anxiety, which pretty much go hand in hand. Sometimes I would lay in a dark room unable to move for hours staring at the ceiling trying to follow the patterns of what my eyes were painting subconsciously along the walls. That looking into the total blackness, and finding the images that form much in the same way clouds bend into three-dimensional sculptures in the sky.
Wynn asked “Ava, do you ever feel depressed before or after these bouts of anxiety?”
“Depressed. Like hopelessness? Despair?” I answered. “Not really, I don’t feel any kind of impairment. I never feel any disempowerment much at all. The anxiety generally triggers the opposite. Maybe it’s a fight or flight type of reaction, some people crumble under the tightening of boundaries, I tend to focus.”
“You see Jason, I feel a lot of absolution in the past. It’s like a nail driven in – the hand behind it knew exactly where it was going. Someone told that hand what to do, gave it the strength behind it, and the aim to give it force in the swing. A mind gave it the precision to hit that nail exactly on the head. How can I feel anything such as a sorry for that? When someone lies, very rarely are they puppeted by another, and if by chance they are – their eyes will give them away, every time. They cannot hide that from me.”
Dr. Wynn plays this chase game with me. I know he’s trying to get me to say things to find growth in my own crisis of understanding – that’s how these doctors work. They really want you to answer your own questions for them. It’s pivoting, like a seesaw – you give a little, and they wrap your conversation in a woven comfort. I hardly fall for that either.
“Looking back over my notes here Gracey I’d like to talk about your references to their eyes. You speak of the eyes almost like they are books or a script of one’s actions. I don’t exactly disagree with you, but I’d like to hear your views on that”.
I again find myself going towards my window, I see my breath misting against the glass. If I really have to think about this I am sure the color in my face will begin to bleed.
“Well, Doc without being crass or an elitist I will have to say most people are just ignorant to what comes out of their mouths. And even more so to what exudes from their posture. Don’t get me wrong, there are some great liars out there – but unless those liars have had their eye lids sewn shut, their actions can be quite transparent. No one does anything they do not really want to do, maybe physically they carry out an action, but hardly emotionally. People don’t blatantly understand that the eyes subtlety communicate with everyone. They do this unconsciously, it happens on a level when the brain breaches the connection of when an organ such as the ‘heart’ raises or lowers its beating pattern. Like for instance when we are in crisis, or our blood pressure shifts. The brain reacts instinctively, and we get things like glassiness, or a slight redness and engorging around the eye sockets. Next time watch the direction someone purses their lower lip when you talk to them. These things yell beyond what the voice can. It is the hand that holds that hammer, and drives that nail. Most will never get it, and I have no room for that anymore inside here. You see?”