If you have ever taken a step forward with a person, and then later had to take a step back then you should be able to understand this song. I wrote it about packing your things and moving out. How those last awkward moments seem, when you are not really yourself. A lot of it getting mixed in with anger and misunderstandings, and just the whole crumbling of everything all at once. I remember it happening so fast, most of the time. Where you really just feel like you have to ramble on, there being nothing left to do but to go.
I often forget the actual transition from when you make the ultimate decision of leaving, and the actuality of the leaving. I remember long nights of locking myself in a room, drowning everything I could in as much distraction as possible. Somehow, at that time it seemed if I could be somewhere else mentally, then I could ignore everything presently. Probably wasn’t the best way to handle things. This was years ago, but I still remember like it was yesterday. The smell of food mart boxes, the dampness of the edges – I guess things like that are just nailed into myself. Under whatever circumstances, I probably won’t ever be able to forget stuff. And that is something that shouldn’t be worn like a badge. It’s my frailties in motion. Part of how I’m built I suppose.
I’ve been asked at shows everything from “so what happened”, to “why carry all of this around”, to “why don’t you just sing her that song and go get her back”. None of those questions were that easily answered. Nor should they have been. If it were something that was easy to deal with then I would just discard them all together. I can only enforce what I do, and why I do it as “it being about survival”. I do it to keep from going crazy. I don’t spend money on expensive recordings or production, I do it as a way of projecting things that I have experienced that moves past just writing or telling someone about it. If you can get that message across with a feeling, not something just on paper – I think that it can be received in a manner that could be productive to someone else and not as destructive as it was for me. Or maybe just someone says “man, I totally understand – this happened to me before…”
It’s nothing new, it’s just another way of doing it. In some ways it moves you closer to letting go and in other ways it makes you unable to find that emotion again. Kind of like holding on to a box of old razor blades. You understand well what they are capable of, but will never be good for anything again. Yet you still have them.
Enjoy the song “Where Did My Winter Go” as it is my last for this record.