Insides Out

Getting towards the end of a year, bulldozing through the days the best that I can. I have seen over the last 8 days a piece of my insides change, or warp. I don’t mean that literally, but I feel that something is different. Callous maybe, exhaustion, a worn through sense. It’s funny how sometimes one word (or lack of one) can change ones world, or snuff out another’s. Had I not had a feeling in my gut for the last 4 years, about a direction, a heart and a life, when you just feel like something in your world will change, if I had not had those drives – then I guess I would not be feeling them swerve against the guard rail. And as it dims, I don’t feel any lack of sincerity, but rather a lack of  even wanting to go to war. Why fight a fight that I could never win. A storybook ending that never existed, even when my heart said that “if you believe in it, it can happen – there are reasons that your heart pulls you in the directions that it does”.

But sometimes their really are none. No reward behind door number three. That it was just in your head all along. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking you heard a knock outside your door, a reason to keep that torch lit, it’s not there and it never really was.

I call it a fault. My fault. Or a defect. Has to be. Even as it fades, could you really have been that wrong all along? All these years, when you would have bet your life on the latter (even before a night of intoxication, you’d still bet your life).

But looking from the outside through glass walls, a soldier ant scurrying in the frenzy of work, alongside an underlying master plan that housed a queen that really never existed – that ant indeed would have had to have been crazy.

A lunacy in one sense, a fanatic in the other, hopeless believer in a hard stream of feelings that would yield a great life one day. All there, all working tirelessly to wipe all of the pasts bullshit away, and know that if it took all of this, to finally close the deal – that it would have seemed worth it. No questions, no old fights, just a new reel, and a time for the ‘old’ credits to roll.

I’ve written so many things on the wall. I’ve woken up thinking that this day will be different. I’ve followed every bit of my insides, even when my head knew better. To rally on in the defense of true love, that it undeniably is – unstoppable.

Those eyes just never lied to me. That mouth may have bitten my face off numerous times, but you know I never saw a sliver of emotion that wasn’t echoed sincerely behind that face.

So I sit here and do nothing now. I listen to my clock tick. Until I have to drown my face in that air, that air that I used to depend on to carry me and my momentum along through those nights.

– excerpt from the chapter ‘Insides Out’ of my book titled “Damselfly“.

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