Through a lot of this time I think I have spent the most of my efforts lately watching and paying a lot more attention to things that go on around me that I was oblivious to in the past. I’m a pretty good listener and pay way too much attention to detail that I have gotten to the point where I can read actions without anyone even saying a word. Some straight forward, and some that are so not obvious to them – but obvious to others, that I can literally see the cracks in their past.
No one gets away from this journey unscathed. I have effortlessly noticed that. And sometimes the hand of solitaire that your are dealt, is in fact a losing hand. And no matter how many times you keep looking for a way to win it – you can’t. I watch people stumble through life, trying to find their own way when sometimes it’s so easily open there in front of them. And not ‘easy’ meaning things for me to find a gain in, but ‘easy’ for them to just make wiser decisions.
I have made plenty of unwise choices, and I’m sure I will make plenty more. But if your singing in the choir about how life throws you lemons, then I’d say fuck it to the lemonade, find you a new song to sing and get the hell on to something else. If it’s one thing I have learned is that there is nothing out there that says you are ‘owed’ something. And that may be my bitterness, but it is my truth. I have lived through a fairytale tragedy and according to life, well guess what – that doesn’t mean you or I won’t get to live through another one. You just may. That is, if you play the same cards that you played in the past…
The only guarantee that life will give you is – “if you keep making the same dumbass decisions, you will keep living the same dumbass life“. It sucks that it only works with the bad stuff, and not with the good stuff.
Good seems to only grace your path and land in your lap when you don’t need it, don’t ask for it, and sure as hell would never ‘expect it’. And as shitty as I feel a lot of the time, in the back of my mind, that’s the only time anyone deserves it.
This whole project has presented to me with more than I could say. Good and bad. Good that I can more easily become numb to events that are sharp and detrimental to my conscious, but bad to realize that I know some people will drag through their life without ever knowing that they have ever lived. I think it swells inside of me and grows sour knowing more the latter.
Time is my only real hurdle in life, which should be anyones. You never know how much of it you or I will have. And to sit and waste it, is a fail on your part. Not the ‘wrong girls’ or the ‘wrong guys’ part, but yours.
I can’t just sit here any longer, my cards have been on the table for long enough. And as soon as my game changes, it’s inevitable that yours will too. It has always been that way.
“Don’t even try to grab the microphone from my hand, I’ve got a story that demands your undivided attention…”