It’s like an autopsy, dissecting the past. Much like carrying handfuls of bullets and waving your arm over a fire. These songs are so volatile to me, that once they ignite, it takes a few days for me to bounce back into a normal mindset. I actually am beginning to feel the physical effects of this, or rather this part of my journey. Weird how certain emotions can actually make you ill if over fed or over fueled. I’m sure there is documented science behind that somewhere…
This Chapter 2 has by far been the hardest thing to get through. It obviously sounds crazy to most, but because most of the music has left such a deep imprint on me it creates a spiderweb of cracks in my psyche while performing them. The previous set (Chapter 1) covered the coming of a new change for me (2003-2004). I moved to another town and was recovering from several torrid relationships. It was about taking a chance, and taking a leap. The circumstances were constricting, and I had to make a life choice real quick. It dealt with overcoming some fears, and rebuilding something new from the rubble that the few had left behind.
The Chapter 2 (which is the current live set) covers the years of 2005-2007. Also this was the start of something new, a new relationship, a lot of new experiences, and of course new obstacles. I have to say that the “Jets to Brazil” songs that are stapled to my playlists are more prevalent in this group of songs than the others. It’s an obvious strong influence, and an even more valid marker of dark times that I went through. These years were speckled with some of the highest points I have been at in my life, and also contained some of the lowest. Passion is a tricky emotion. It makes you crazy and you tend to do rash things without thinking. These times were a roller coaster for me (us). When I thought I had finally reached the pinnacle of what was meant to be, things didn’t seem to layout like anticipated. Although that sounds cliché, it was a host of some horrible timing. It is the true tragedy for me, and always will be. What cuts me the deepest is there was never a lack of emotion, more so the occurrences of the wrong ones at the wrong time. I will always regret decisions from this era of my life. They continue to haunt me, a haunting that is stitched throughout these very songs.
I dig as deep as I can, to try to pull the raw emotion that was going through my head during those years. It could never really go in to words. I can manifest this though, you sometimes only have what seems to be a small window to find that one. Find that one and build properly, build with patience and choose your moves as wisely as you can. There is no shortcut to finding the storybook ending (if that even exists). Whether or not that ending does exist, I know for a fact that I have read the pages of it. I have written the stories in it, lived them, screamed them, and held them as close as I could.
Unfortunately we don’t always get that ending that we wished for. As if we were ever promised it. No amount of singing, or writing, or suffering inside ourselves will ever change it. I know that I will never get to open that chapter of my life again, to be able to go back and write the ending that we both wanted. That finale that made all of our efforts worth the pain and the trying that we wrote into it. That ending that really should have been the last chapter of what we grew up to be, and the first of what we were going to become.
“Mi corazón te extraña.”