I’ve been doing more writing lately, mostly lyrically. I know it’s getting to be that time soon where I have to advance on – and leave these songs behind. Just like all those thoughts, the rough ones. Or rather the good ones that just won’t die, but the thoughts that cannot afford to be fed – to live on anymore.
It’s very hard to swallow at times. Too many pictures, too many remnants of my Chapter 2. Things that I know that can’t ever exist. And all at once it’s like a warm drug, injected deep inside of me. When you have such a vivid, colorful past – things that songs are made of. These songs. They really have to be laid to rest, and that was part of the reason I started this project. To close the door on a lot of these very marked, very viral, very intoxicating memories.
Well, and to share them of course, lyrically and musically. It’s been quite a journey so far. After every show when I return to my dwelling, instead of rejoicing in accomplishment – I lay and shield myself in indecisiveness. I toss and turn while I receive a backlash of recurring thoughts. And it’s very much like the flickering of lights.
Except that instead of those lights being turned on and off, they are the flashing of the past and present. And I can’t wait forever, no one can. As much as I wish my walls were made of steel, they are not. I waste too many thoughts on that.
These walls are getting tired of this voice, and this choice. This really is the end of the rope, I’ve tried everything I know to do. All to late, all too much and all too done.
“Real beauty is so deep, you have to look into darkness to understand what beauty is…”