Sunday eyes, am I losing you?

Fate is such a weird thing. Some people say you have to take charge of your own, some people think that fate controls us and that we really don’t have much choice but to play the hand that we are dealt. I don’t understand why things happen, I don’t know why I left my comfort zone with a 40k salary 6 years ago to move to Austin away from a lot of people who I cared about. Like what if I never left, would I still be repeating old patterns, reliving the same instances, band hopping and girl hopping and whatnot.

What I do know is I was hurled down an awful emotional road, where I felt that the only way I could survive on the inside, was to leave. Was that fate? If it was, fate has a hell of a sense of humor. Bad relationships happen all the time, so I’m not pinpointing that. What I am pinpointing is how that one event has effected me, and where I am now versus how I could have let it roll off my shoulder, never letting it phase me again and staying in Victoria.

So if fate really brought me here, the choice was his. And no matter what I could have done or how much I loved that ‘one girl’ – I was meant to be here.

Now that being said, you would think that the events to follow would be some enlightening ‘story book ending’ tale that would make sense in an all-knowing way…a pay off for ‘life’s work well done’ etc.

Wrong.

Fate still has a torrid sense of humor. I’ve tried and tried to make sense of it all. I have been in horrible places, mentally and physically during some times that I have been here. With fate still not giving me an inkling of where or what I am suppose to do.

I’ve lost a career job, I’ve lost a new-found family, I have lost my father. All while I have been here. Is that a fate driven life? Should I have strangled fate a bit harder, and leaped farther or longer. Should I have walked away from the one my heart was pulling me too all along, thinking that ‘what was meant to be’ would eventually be?

I don’t recall ever making intentional bad decisions. Okay maybe once or twice. Some things are obviously out of man’s control, and the grass is always greener on the other whatever side. There is always something.

But those things that you keep deep in your heart, that instinct. The ability to read the writing on the wall, even when people will never speak of it. And never in your own way be able to change things for the better. When your windows have closed, and you have to bolt those things up inside and go on with your life to see how you are going to dodge the new curves it’s going to throw at you. Those very volatile emotions can be the only fuel that one has at times. Where does one go from there.

This one goes to Chapter 4. And I want you to write this one. This one for me.

“The past is the past, and you are very very correct – but it’s the past that brings you to where you are today – and will further navigate the rest of your life – the ship is still yours – but the waves of fate still seem to push you to where it wants you to go – regardless of how hard you hold on to the sails” -AFE

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